I've lived

Today marks ten years since I graduated high school.

 

It’s so strange how that feels like another life now. I remember the Emily who went to Pensacola, Florida, to graduate, and how that was one of the most special weekends of my life and how incredibly sad I was to leave it behind. I tried not to cry as I walked the beach with my best friend one last time the morning we left. That whole experience felt and still feels very cinematic to me.

 

Part of the reason I was so emotional at the idea of leaving was that I knew things were about to change. Once I got home from this dream of a trip, life would turn tough. Reality would shake up my world, and I wasn’t ready for it.

 

Unlike many other high school grads, I wasn’t ready to dive into the next season of life because… I had no idea what the next season of my life looked like. I had never had a serious career goal. (I only ever knew for sure that I wanted to write.) I didn’t know if I wanted to go to college or, if I did, what I would go for. The future was a complete blank to me. Add that to the fact that I was terrified of change (still am, oops) and while I was happy to be done with school, I didn’t want to move forward.

 

I remember lying on the couch one night, in tears, my fear of getting a job absolutely crippling me from the inside out. I was a homeschool kid, and a pretty unsocialized one at that, so the whole go-out-in-the-world-and-do-big-girl-things-among-people-you-don’t-know thing terrified me.

 

I could keep dragging you through all the highs of lows of those following months, but instead I’ll skip to today. Graduation season always makes me super nostalgic as I think back on my amazing experience in Florida. But it also makes me a little sad. Year after year, kids I’ve watched grow up graduate, move onto college with big dreams and plans. And I still feel like I’m in the same season of life I’ve been in since I was eighteen.

 

Have I wasted a decade? Should I have pursued a career despite not feeling drawn to anything? Have I failed the girl who had no vision for the future but only hoped it would be all she ever dreamed of?

 

As a Christian, I know that true fulfilment is only found in Jesus, so no number of milestones or experiences alone could have ever accomplished that in my life. Still, I get stuck in this melancholy feeling sometimes of wishing I had more to show for the past ten years. Everybody’s life looks different, sure, but I guess there’s still a little part of me that’s saying, “You’re wasting your life. You could have done so much.”

 

I’ll be honest, if I could tell my past self that I still have the same job I started when I was just shy of nineteen, I probably wouldn’t because past me would be horrified. Every day I wonder, am I foolish for staying here so long? Where would I be if I’d left years ago? Am I being responsible for holding onto stability or just fearful of change?

 

Yeah, I went to college, but it was mainly just to say I did. I’ve had zero luck finding job prospects with my degree. Was that a waste of my time, too?

 

Maybe someday I’ll be able to do something I love for a living, something I can feel good about putting my time and effort into. That’s not my season right now. Could I put more work into making it my season? Probably. I’m still figuring things out. I always will be.

 

But in these times when I feel discouraged and think I’ve lived all this time without anything to show, I try to remind myself of the most important thing I’ve done all these years.

 

I’ve lived.

 

Literally and symbolically. I’ve lived. I’ve had highs and lows like every other person. I’ve felt deep pain and indescribable joy. I’ve hated myself, I’ve been proud of myself, I’ve wished I were somebody else. In all these things, I’ve lived every day of my life, kept going, done hard things, done scary things. All because I’m alive.

 

Some people don’t get to do that. Maybe their lives were taken from them, or maybe they gave up on life. But, regardless of what I’ve done or haven’t done, what a blessing it is to have lived.

 

If eighteen-year-old me could see me now, she would see some things that haven’t changed that would probably discourage her. But I think that same girl, who was curled up on the couch thinking her fear would consume her, would also see things that would make her stand a little taller and say, “Wow, I can’t wait to live that moment.” Here are some things she would see.

 

I’ve marked crazy things off my bucket list. I’ve gotten to travel to places I only dreamed of. I’ve attended concerts, met people I never thought I would, stood onstage while my favorite band performed ten feet away, been overcome with emotion at hearing one of my favorite songs of all time live. I’ve had the opportunity to look people in the eye and tell them how grateful I am for them and their work.

I’ve grown in my writing, discovered life-changing stories, and met some of the best people and had the best experiences thanks to an online writing community I discovered by chance. I’ve written stories that resonate deeply with me and with other people. I’ve had my writing critiqued by professionals. I’ve heard my name read out loud as an awards finalist in the presence of some of my favorite authors.

I’ve grown from a girl who was afraid to talk to anybody her first day on the job to a (mostly) confident manager who people now look to for guidance. (for better or worse. XD) I’ve met people who I can’t imagine never having known if I hadn’t stayed at this job so long.

I’ve gone to college, struggled through and earned a degree, and walked the stage to prove it.

Some of these things are trivial—just fun experiences that I’m beyond grateful to have even been able to do. I typically consider my life pretty boring (and as a hobbit-coded introvert, I’ve reached a point where I’m mostly okay with that), but I do not take for granted the things I’ve been able to do that others can’t. I’m incredibly blessed.

But others have shaped me, grown me in ways that surprise me when I think about them. Oh, I’m still an absolute mess. I still get too scared to make a phone call sometimes. Still get overcome by social anxiety. But even with all that, I’m a different person than I was ten years ago. In ways that’s good, and some bad.

The best thing that’s changed in my life—that’s still constantly changing—is that I keep discovering more about Jesus. He keeps revealing things in me that need work, that need changing, and those are the things I choose to focus on. Again, HUGE failure at that some days. Maybe most days. Like I said, I’m a mess. But I’m a mess who’s a little closer to Jesus than I was last year, and that’s good. If I had gone on a perfect career path, hit all the milestones, and been living in a big ol’ city by now, but didn’t have that? All for nothing.

I could say so much more. This started out quite a bit longer, actually, so I had to hack out some of my ramblings. I still feel like I did nothing but ramble all over the place, so I don't know if any of this made sense. But to sum it all up—I still have no idea what I’m doing. I still have moments when I feel like I’ve wasted time. Life hasn't been perfect. I'm not doing everything right and there are probably some things that I'm doing very wrong. But I’ve lived. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and done things I never thought I would. I’ve chosen to be brave in small moments and big moments and have experiences and wisdom to look back on that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I’ve been so blessed in many things I’ve done and things I haven’t done. Most importantly, I’ve chosen faith in Jesus, and while I wish I would have poured into that more in the past, He is the reason I can look back on my life and see good. That’s what I choose to think about when I’m feeling like I failed the girl who didn’t know what the future held for her after high school.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, 1- thank you and you deserve a cookie (here’s a virtual one), 2- I hope some part of this encourages someone in some way. Life is tough, discouragement is real. But you’re here for a purpose, you’re you for a reason, and God will never let any part of your life go to waste if you commit it to Him and live.