*drops to the ground and lifts sunglasses*
Well, hey, strangers.
Okay, that was probably a little dramatic, but I've been trying to figure out how to open this post and also what this post even is, and go big or go home, right? So, here I am, once again (feeling lost but now and then-) returning to this blog that's all but dead. (It's been almost a year since I posted. o.o)
I've said it before and I'm not too proud to admit it again- I don't know why I haven't been posting. I don't have an excuse, other than being lazy and/or bad at time management. I stopped posting regularly back in 2020 when I started college, but now I've been graduated for almost a year and still this little corner of the Internet of mine that I used to love so much (and still do!) sits with dust on it.
I've felt so detached from the voracious writer and reader I used to be. I go in and out of being involved in the writing community, posting/engaging on Instagram or on the blogosphere, and, oh yeah, actually writing and reading. Why? I don't know. It's not like I've gone through a lot of life changes throwing me off track.
To be honest, I've had many days lately of feeling very lonely and discouraged. I struggle with feeling invisible, like no one really cares what I have to say or what's going on with me and that's why I barely get any engagement on my blog and Instagram. And along with that, I also feel a boatload of guilt, because I know deep down those things aren't true and there are lots of people who care, so then I feel horrible and selfish for not recognizing that. Then I just stay in my little hole of discouragement, not wanting to bother anybody and feeling like there's no point in trying.
Okay, sorry for getting depressing there for a minute. That's all hard to admit, because I'm NOT good at opening up at all, and hate feeling like I'm seeking attention. But I guess that's a big part of why I've been so absent for so long. My motivation and energy to do ANYTHING has just been at an all time low. I truly do want to get back into blogging and just being involved in the community like I once was. I've allowed myself to get so far off track with everything and I desperately want to change that.
I've also severely neglected my relationship with God for a long, long time. I'm not proud to admit that I've let other things stand in the way of the singular most important part of my life. And then I dare to wonder why I feel so distant from Him. *facepalm* This is something I'm working on, and it's a slow, hard journey. But I know it's worth it, and it's necessary. There are so many things in my life that I desperately need His guidance for, and I've allowed myself to be distracted from His face and His will for too long.
I've also discovered something really unpleasant about myself lately: I really don't like the person I've become. I have an attitude. I allow my temper, my frustrations to get the better of me FAR too often. Mainly at work, where I interact with a lot of exasperating and, ahem, not super smart people daily. I pull back into my shell with most people, not really because I'm shy, but because I have no interest in talking to anybody but my friends, and in getting through the day and going home where I don't have to talk to anybody. And so instead of being a light for Jesus, I come across as an unapproachable, angry little gremlin (yes, I've actually been called that) and most new people think I hate them. It's been humbling and actually quite terrifying to realize that, and it's something I'm working and praying through because I'm not proud of it at all. No, I don't seek to be rude to people, or make them feel bad, or anything like that. But I think sometimes I do it without realizing it, and it's something I'm trying to be conscious about and change.
I find myself stuck in these bad moods that are almost impossible to find my way out of, and I know that if I just allow myself to be positive, force the dark clouds away, pray, and praise, I can feel better. But I don't, because I like sitting in my misery. I like making it clear that I'm unhappy, even though there's literally nothing the people around me can do to change that. I get angry because I don't feel the joy I used to or see God's hand in my life, but IT'S MY FAULT for not LETTING Him give me joy or work in me. God's not going to just press a magic little button and make me suddenly happy, as if I'm dancing in a field of daisies rather than trying to get through a work day that has me on the edge of a breakdown. He's not going to just rain down peace and contentment because He sees that I'm upset. Sometimes I have to fight for it. And that's another thing I'm really trying to work through.
This post is all over the place. WHOOPS. I just kind of started typing and this is what came out. XD But I MISS you all dearly, and I hope to fall back into something of a rhythm here again.
Currently what's on my mind is Realm Makers coming up! Summer feels far away, but wow, we're already in April and spring always flies by, doesn't it? I've attended Realm Makers for the past three years, but for some reason this year I'm a little extra excited to get back to it. (Also a little sad, because from what I've heard it's very likely this will be the last year at the magical place that is the Sheraton Westport Plaza hotel :( ) I've also scheduled my first pitch appointment??!! With Steve Laube??!
Honestly, I don't expect anything from this appointment book-deal-wise. It was a bit of an impulsive decision, just a little something to push myself a little bit and get out of my comfort zone. My main incentive for doing this was just to have the experience, get it out of the way, so to speak. But I'm still working to get my book in good enough shape TO pitch. It's actually been going quite well, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm making good progress on my WIP. Prayers for that are appreciated, as well as for the appointment itself being a good experience!
*taps head like Winnie the Pooh* I think that's all I have to say! If you've gotten to the end of this mess, thank you for sticking around. I know I mainly just dumped out all my emotions and frustrations on you, but, well, I guess sometimes you've just got to get it all out there and that's another thing I'm working on. I hope you're all doing well, having a great spring, and I'll talk to you all soon! (Let me know in the comments what you've been up to/how you've been!)
Man, I relate hard to all of this, but especially the temper. I had a similar thing happen after I left college while I was on the dairy farm. Like you, I realized that it was my attitude that was the problem. Unfortunately, it was too late to repair the bridges, so I left and rebuilt my life from scratch. It may be what you have to do too in order to get peace back.
ReplyDeleteIt is definitely sobering to realize that you haven't been treating people the greatest, and how much damage may have been done without even realizing it. I'm just thankful for God's grace and strength in helping us realize that and work through it. <3
DeleteI also relate to this. It can be really hard to look in the mirror and realize uncomfortable truths about yourself. I've been noticing more and more that I tend to be selfish and upset when things don't go exactly the way I want, and gosh that's hard to admit lol. But praying for you, and hope that Realm Makers goes well (especially the pitch appointment! so exciting!!).
ReplyDeleteIt is SO hard! And definitely not pleasant, but finally accepting it and choosing to do something about it is a good feeling.
DeleteThank you for your prayers!! I appreciate it so much. <3
EMILYYYY! Firstly, *BIG HUGS!* I am so sorry you are struggling, and thank you so much for sharing this. I relate so much to so much of this, especially about not posting and feeling like people prooobably don't care and then beating myself up over that thought. It's a vicious cycle and I'm not sure what to do about it and I'm sorry you're struggling with it too. You're absolutely not alone, in any of this, and go you for figuring these things out and facing them head-on. Sending love, hugs, and prayers for getting through things! I sadly don't...really...have advice? Because I am also walking this road. But you're not alone, friend. Oh, one thing I've been doing is reading a Bible-in-a-year edition because it has the readings broken up into little daily readings with the date at the top, so I just open it and read that bit. And if I miss a day, it's okay and I can just read the day's heading instead of scrambling to catch up or feeling bad, and just let go of guilt about that--practicing little forgiveness for when I slip really helps because as much as I want to improve in aaaall the ways, guilt is not a great motivator. Grace is a thing and the important thing is we keep getting back up and trying! Anyway, I'm trying a lot of breaks and trying to figure out what's important to me and taking some pressure off myself. I'm not sure if any of that is helpful, but once again, you're not alone and I'm sending so many hugs! (I wish I could make it to RM this year but I hope you have a great time and best of luck on the pitch appointment! Aaah that's so sad it might be the last time at that hotel, the only RM place I ever went to--2018/19. *sniffles*)
ReplyDelete*BIG HUGS BACK* Thank you so much for your comment, friend! Sometimes just knowing you're not alone in something is what you need. <3 That's great that you're figuring out what works for you- and taking the pressure off yourself. That's definitely something I need to practice too, because I often get too ambitious with my goals and then feel like a failure when I don't reach them. So, I'm really trying to find that balance and figuring out when I need rest and when I need to push myself... yeesh, it really is tricky, huh? But now I'm rambling, so I'll wrap this up with another big THANK YOU and I'm praying for you. <3 (And YES, it will be so sad to leave the hotel!! My very first RM was there and it holds so many wonderful memories. :'))
DeleteGetting too ambitious and then feeling like a failure for not reaching said goals--yessss, I feel this so hard! The balance is so tricky. *huggles* Thank you so much for your prayers and I'll keep you in my prayers as well! <3
Delete*tackle-glomps back* CHRISTINE I'VE MISSED TALKING TO YOU SO MUCH! I'm definitely still trying to figure out what kind of schedule (or non-schedule, as the case may be) works for me. I want so much to get back to being active around here, but it HAS been rather freeing to just not worry about it while I'm figuring it out. XD I'm glad you're allowing yourself to slow down a bit too, and I hope it's been wonderfully fulfulling for you. <3
ReplyDeleteI have ALWAYS kept things locked away and it is honestly so exhausting. Also, when you do that, you end up with a mess of a post like what this one was, so thank you for reading anyway. XD But it's amazing how when you do talk about things, you find out how not alone you are in it. And sometimes that's just what you need to hear. <3
I NEED TO TACKLE-HUG YOU. Someday sooon. *crosses fingers* Thank you so much for always been so supportive, friend. I appreciate you and your prayers so much, and you are always in mine too. <3
It is SO good to see you and oh my gosh I hae missed you so. I am SO excited to see you again in July! <3 And praying for the struggles--I also feel so many of the same things and it is Hard.
ReplyDeleteI MISSED BEING HERE. <3 And YESS I can't wait to see you!! <33
DeleteDude, I full feel this! Like I've been graduated for 3 years now and still don't have the motivation to do anything art or writing-related for a consistent amount of time. It's a struggle, these years after college, and at the risk of sounding very Gen-Z and entitled, I don't feel like I was well prepared for this 😅 But I'm glad to see you back, and I'm always here for whatever you have to say.
ReplyDeletePrayers for both of us!! XOXO