*drops to the ground and lifts sunglasses*
Well, hey, strangers.
Okay, that was probably a little dramatic, but I've been trying to figure out how to open this post and also what this post even is, and go big or go home, right? So, here I am, once again (feeling lost but now and then-) returning to this blog that's all but dead. (It's been almost a year since I posted. o.o)
I've said it before and I'm not too proud to admit it again- I don't know why I haven't been posting. I don't have an excuse, other than being lazy and/or bad at time management. I stopped posting regularly back in 2020 when I started college, but now I've been graduated for almost a year and still this little corner of the Internet of mine that I used to love so much (and still do!) sits with dust on it.
I've felt so detached from the voracious writer and reader I used to be. I go in and out of being involved in the writing community, posting/engaging on Instagram or on the blogosphere, and, oh yeah, actually writing and reading. Why? I don't know. It's not like I've gone through a lot of life changes throwing me off track.
To be honest, I've had many days lately of feeling very lonely and discouraged. I struggle with feeling invisible, like no one really cares what I have to say or what's going on with me and that's why I barely get any engagement on my blog and Instagram. And along with that, I also feel a boatload of guilt, because I know deep down those things aren't true and there are lots of people who care, so then I feel horrible and selfish for not recognizing that. Then I just stay in my little hole of discouragement, not wanting to bother anybody and feeling like there's no point in trying.
Okay, sorry for getting depressing there for a minute. That's all hard to admit, because I'm NOT good at opening up at all, and hate feeling like I'm seeking attention. But I guess that's a big part of why I've been so absent for so long. My motivation and energy to do ANYTHING has just been at an all time low. I truly do want to get back into blogging and just being involved in the community like I once was. I've allowed myself to get so far off track with everything and I desperately want to change that.
I've also severely neglected my relationship with God for a long, long time. I'm not proud to admit that I've let other things stand in the way of the singular most important part of my life. And then I dare to wonder why I feel so distant from Him. *facepalm* This is something I'm working on, and it's a slow, hard journey. But I know it's worth it, and it's necessary. There are so many things in my life that I desperately need His guidance for, and I've allowed myself to be distracted from His face and His will for too long.
I've also discovered something really unpleasant about myself lately: I really don't like the person I've become. I have an attitude. I allow my temper, my frustrations to get the better of me FAR too often. Mainly at work, where I interact with a lot of exasperating and, ahem, not super smart people daily. I pull back into my shell with most people, not really because I'm shy, but because I have no interest in talking to anybody but my friends, and in getting through the day and going home where I don't have to talk to anybody. And so instead of being a light for Jesus, I come across as an unapproachable, angry little gremlin (yes, I've actually been called that) and most new people think I hate them. It's been humbling and actually quite terrifying to realize that, and it's something I'm working and praying through because I'm not proud of it at all. No, I don't seek to be rude to people, or make them feel bad, or anything like that. But I think sometimes I do it without realizing it, and it's something I'm trying to be conscious about and change.
I find myself stuck in these bad moods that are almost impossible to find my way out of, and I know that if I just allow myself to be positive, force the dark clouds away, pray, and praise, I can feel better. But I don't, because I like sitting in my misery. I like making it clear that I'm unhappy, even though there's literally nothing the people around me can do to change that. I get angry because I don't feel the joy I used to or see God's hand in my life, but IT'S MY FAULT for not LETTING Him give me joy or work in me. God's not going to just press a magic little button and make me suddenly happy, as if I'm dancing in a field of daisies rather than trying to get through a work day that has me on the edge of a breakdown. He's not going to just rain down peace and contentment because He sees that I'm upset. Sometimes I have to fight for it. And that's another thing I'm really trying to work through.
This post is all over the place. WHOOPS. I just kind of started typing and this is what came out. XD But I MISS you all dearly, and I hope to fall back into something of a rhythm here again.
Currently what's on my mind is Realm Makers coming up! Summer feels far away, but wow, we're already in April and spring always flies by, doesn't it? I've attended Realm Makers for the past three years, but for some reason this year I'm a little extra excited to get back to it. (Also a little sad, because from what I've heard it's very likely this will be the last year at the magical place that is the Sheraton Westport Plaza hotel :( ) I've also scheduled my first pitch appointment??!! With Steve Laube??!
Honestly, I don't expect anything from this appointment book-deal-wise. It was a bit of an impulsive decision, just a little something to push myself a little bit and get out of my comfort zone. My main incentive for doing this was just to have the experience, get it out of the way, so to speak. But I'm still working to get my book in good enough shape TO pitch. It's actually been going quite well, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm making good progress on my WIP. Prayers for that are appreciated, as well as for the appointment itself being a good experience!
*taps head like Winnie the Pooh* I think that's all I have to say! If you've gotten to the end of this mess, thank you for sticking around. I know I mainly just dumped out all my emotions and frustrations on you, but, well, I guess sometimes you've just got to get it all out there and that's another thing I'm working on. I hope you're all doing well, having a great spring, and I'll talk to you all soon! (Let me know in the comments what you've been up to/how you've been!)
