PEACE IN PURPOSE

Hey guys! So, today I want to talk about something that's been on my heart for a while. It started in January- you know, that time when you're trying to make changes to your life and be the best, most productive person you can be.

Something I'm always thinking about (though definitely not always succeeding at) is how best to make use of my time. More specifically, how best to use my time to move my life forward. I have a job that I only stay at because I need it, and honestly, I'm always dreaming about the day when I can leave. Any plans that might get me into a better job situation, seem so far away into the future.

I'm always thinking about how to further my hopeful career as a writer. And it seems frustrating when I have so many unfinished projects and even the thought of publication is sooo far away.

And of course, I'd like to make a difference in the world whenever I can, too.

But I don't know how long I'll have to work on those things before they change. So how am I supposed to stay sane in the meantime? Sometimes the thought of staying in current circumstances is suffocating.

Back around New Year's, I had been thinking about my relationship with God and how I needed to value it more and put more effort into growing it. I was feeling guilty about how I so often use time I could have been spending with Him, for useless things. Frivolous things. Or even good things, like writing.

The realization that He needed to be the first priority in my life was one that I didn't want to face, because that would mean some changes. But I began to accept it, and several things were speaking to me in the same way: Tracey's post about being rooted, Grace's post about our identity as a Christian, the movie Overcomer, the book Becoming A Woman Whose God Is Enough, and maybe a few other things as well.

I began to realize that I was a writer before I was a Christian. I focused so much time on becoming a better writer, on the writing/bookish community, yet I was neglecting my relationship with God. Fully aware that that should be the most important thing in my life, I still put it on a shelf and pulled it back out when I had extra time.

That's pretty troubling, isn't it?

And so I began to shift my viewpoint. I wasn't a Christian writer. I was a Christian. And I also happened to write.

So often I've been worried that I wasn't fulfilling my purpose, because I felt I wasn't moving forward in any area of my life. I wasn't going to college, I didn't have a job that benefited me in any way other than giving me a paycheck, and I didn't feel any closer to publishing a book. (Not that that was going to suddenly make me rich and solve all my problems, anyway.)

But I had to remind myself that none of that is my purpose. Writing is not my purpose. My purpose is to fellowship with and serve God. We're not made to write. Maybe we're blessed and equipped with the desire and the ability to write and do good things with our stories, but we were made to have a heart for God. And if we don't, everything else in our lives is going to fall flat.

I also recognized that I could not rightly expect there to be positive change in my life without making God a part of it. I want a different job. Okay, but why should God give me a different job, or contentment with the one I have, if I'm not serving Him there? Why should I assume my life will automatically be better somewhere else, if God is still second priority to me?

So I started making sure I spent time praying every day. I tried to pay more attention reading my Bible and soaking in the words. It felt good.

Then I failed.

I slipped back. I skipped prayer one day and then it was easier to keep skipping in the days following. I began to put other activities before God again.

I'm not sure how long ago that's been. But it's been off and and on since then. I'm sure most (or all) of you can relate.

Recent events (do I even have to specify?) have been making me so glad to have God in my life. Like, I don't know how I would stay sane without Him. And I've been reminded of how I need to be spending time in prayer again.

I don't really remember what the specific turning point was, although I know there was one. It may have had something to do with rereading the Out of Time series, because Parvin seriously inspires me. It may have had something to do with the fact that with everything going on, people need to be in prayer, and how powerful prayer can be, and how things can actually be changed by praying. Maybe it was Easter. I feel like a big part of it was the fact I'm starting college in the fall, and I've been trying to better establish my priorities and somewhat of a schedule before then.

But long story short, recently that passion has been returning, for wanting to grow myself as a Christian and then as a writer, or anything else.

No, I am absolutely not perfect. Just a couple nights ago I fell asleep praying so I gave up and did something else. I'm working on that, on making prayer and fellowship with God such a priority that I'm willing to push aside all my other plans and maybe stay up extra late just to get that time in.

This is not a victory post. All those things I said I did, all those ways I ignored my relationship with God? Yeah, I still do those things. I know I'm going to fail Him again because I'm human and I'm not perfect. That's not an excuse, but it's a reality. But for right now, I'm recognizing my faults and I'm working, together with Jesus, to improve.

I still don't like my job. I still fear the future sometimes (especially with college looming upon me). I still don't see any way some things are going to change anytime soon.

But if I'm fulfilling my purpose, doing what I was made for, what is everything else? If I'm living my life primarily for God, does it matter that I have an undesirable job, or that I don't have a book published, or that some days I don't have time to do anything else? If I dedicate my whole life and surrender EVERYTHING to Him, all other areas of my life will be blessed, even if it's not in ways I might have imagined.

No, God's not a genie. Spending time with Him most likely isn't going to magically change all the bad things in your life. But if it doesn't, it will do one thing: it will begin to give you peace in those things.

I'd wanted to write this post for a while, but I kept hesitating after I slipped a couple months ago. I felt like I should wait until I'd been consistent and loyal with it for a few months, or else what business did I have trying to inspire anybody?

Now, though, I feel like the time is right. I'm never going to be perfect, so there's no point waiting for perfection. But since all of this has returned to the forefront of my mind these past weeks, I'm writing this for myself as much as anyone who's reading.

I don't know if I've said everything I wanted to say in this post- in fact I can pretty much guarantee I haven't. I feel like my thoughts were all over the place and if there was anything else I wanted to say, I won't remember it until I hit "publish". And I don't really have a conclusion because, well, like I said: WORK IN PROGRESS. xD

But I hope this was an encouragement to you, and maybe something I said was something that somebody needed to hear. I'm praying for you, dear friends!